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KneeDeepInCode: In the thick of it.

Origin of my online psuedonym

I originally used the line "Knee deep in code and playing Doom in the dark" in a song about my depression and other mental health issues I started writing in 2013 starting with the song ‘Brian Wilson’ by the Barenaked Ladies as a base, which is also about depression.

I removed the line referencing Brian Wilson and over the years tweaked, changed, and made references to:

  • my chronic weight issues
  • my frequent stops to a 24-hour Subway late at night (specifically in the song on Thursdays referencing my birthdate of 1993-10-28 landing on a Thursday as well as Arthur Dent’s line "This must be Thursday. I never could get the hang of Thursdays." from ‘The Hitchhiker’s Guide To The Galaxy’ series, but I never actually ‘booked’ Thursday mornings to go to Subway)
  • made multiple versions of the final verse
  • my listening to ‘Take On Me’ (and unreferenced, but more specifically ‘The Sun Always Shines On TV’ by a-ha on their 1985 album ‘Hunting High and Low’) on repeat for days at a time
  • referring to myself as Schrödinger’s cat as if my life or death doesn’t really matter to me or anyone else
  • my chronic nightmares of weightlessly floating
  • the nightmares of being stuck between life and death after a heavy Ketamin injection administration in a ‘The Dark Knight’/-esque endless fluorescent light hallway supposedly leading to the Afterlife but never arriving there (also sort of resembling the light stretching effect used in the music video for Queen’s "Bohemian Rhapsody")
  • my obsession with computers (and specifically being entrapped in large computer programming projects, usually in VB6, PHP, or C#) and video games (specifically referencing Doom, which along with Wolfenstein 3D I played a lot of as a child , teen, and adult)
  • my constant feelings of hopelessness, impulsiveness, repulsive opinions of myself, afraid of being insane, and brokenness, fear, being unmotivated to do the things I dream to do, and loneliness and dream of a long-lasting romantic relationship one day.

Being produced for an album originally jokingly called the "Don’t Worry ‘Bout Me" Album, but since renamed "The ‘IRL’ Album" (IRL == ‘in real life’), referencing the mask I often put on while on ‘The Internet’ being a very different face than I present ‘in real life’.

‘Knee Deep In Code And Playing Doom In The Dark’ Lyrics

Walked downtown in the rain

Two-thirty on a Thursday morning

Just to check out the 24-hour sandwich shop

Call it impulse, call it repulsive, you can call it insane

But when I’m bored and lonely

What else am I to do?

It’s a matter of instinct, a matter of conditioning, make it a matter of fact

You can call me Schrödinger’s cat

Am I alive or am I dead?

But who really cares either way?

Dr. D., please don’t tell me it’s all just par for the course

So I’m sitting here

Just staring at the computer screen

And I’m thinking about… oh what to think about…

Just listening and re-listening to "Take On Me"

And wondering if this is just some kind of passing phase

If you want to find me

I’ll be in my computer room

Just wondering where the Hell all the love has gone

Knee deep in code and playing Doom in the dark

And thinking "Damn, damn, damn…"

I had a dream that I weighed 300 pounds

And though I was very heavy

I floated until I could not see the ground

I floated ‘til I couldn’t see the ground

Somebody help me, I could not see the ground

Somebody help me, couldn’t see the ground

Somebody help me…

As the fluorescent lights stretched infinitely off into the Afterlife

Burning themselves into my retinas

I awoke from an overdose of 300 pills and 7 energy drinks

I struggled to find meaning for my life

Bruised, beaten and broken

I kept trying to pick up the pieces

Only for them to fall apart again

Puzzled, confused and afraid

"Somebody help me…" I cried into cinderblock walls, "I can’t even help myself…"

Desperate to get back behind a keyboard and mouse

Knee deep in code and playing Doom in the dark…