Origin of my pseudonym 'KneeDeepInCode'
I originally used the line "Knee deep in code and playing Doom in the dark" in a song about my depression and other mental health issues I started writing in 2013 starting with the song 'Brian Wilson' by the Barenaked Ladies as a base, which is also about depression.
I removed the line referencing Brian Wilson and over the years tweaked, changed, and made references to:
- my chronic weight issues
- my frequent stops to a 24-hour Subway late at night (specifically in the song on Thursdays referencing my birthdate of 1993-10-28 landing on a Thursday as well as Arthur Dent's line "This must be Thursday. I never could get the hang of Thursdays." from 'The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy' series, but I never actually 'booked' Thursday mornings to go to Subway)
- made multiple versions of the final verse (including for a woman I have a crush on who "shared a name with an American state", referencing a real life overdose of roughly 300 Liqi-Gel Advils and 7 Mountain Dew Kickstart energy drinks that led to me meeting her in an inpatient psychiatric wing, though that version of the verse was never shared with her)
- my listening to 'Take On Me' (and unreferenced, but more specifically 'The Sun Always Shines On TV' by a-ha on their 1985 album 'Hunting High and Low') on repeat for days at a time
- referring to myself as Schrödinger's cat as if my life or death doesn't really matter to me or anyone else
- my chronic nightmares of weightlessly floating
- the nightmares of being stuck between life and death after a heavy Ketamin injection administration in a 'The Dark Knight'/-esque endless fluorescent light hallway supposedly leading to the Afterlife but never arriving there (also sort of resembling the light stretching effect used in the music video for Queen's "Bohemian Rhapsody")
- my obsession with computers (and specifically being entrapped in large computer programming projects, usually in VB6, PHP, or C#) and video games (specifically referencing Doom, which along with Wolfenstein 3D I played a lot of as a child , teen, and adult)
- my constant feelings of hopelessness, impulsiveness, repulsive opinions of myself, afraid of being insane, and brokenness, fear, being unmotivated to do the things I dream to do, and loneliness and dream of a long-lasting romantic relationship one day.
While the version I wrote for my crush I don't wish to release without her consent, I rewrote it for my planned album, originally jokingly called the "Don't Worry 'Bout Me" Album, but since renamed "The 'IRL' Album" (IRL == 'in real life'), referencing the mask I often put on while on 'The Internet' being a very different face than I present 'in real life'.
So here it is, the song lyrics that will probably never be completely finalized, 6 years in the making and counting...
'Knee Deep In Code And Playing Doom In The Dark' Lyrics
Walked downtown in the rain
Two-thirty on a Thursday morning
Just to check out the 24-hour sandwich shop
Call it impulse, call it repulsive, you can call it insane
But when I'm bored and lonely
What else am I to do?
It's a matter of instinct, a matter of conditioning, make it a matter of fact
You can call me Schrödinger's cat
Am I alive or am I dead
But who really cares either way?
Dr. D., please don't tell me it's all just par for the course
So I'm sitting here
Just staring at the computer screen
And I'm thinking about... oh what to think about...
Just listening and re-listening to "Take On Me"
And wondering if this is just some kind of passing phase
If you want to find me
I'll be in my computer room
Just wondering where the Hell all the love has gone
Knee deep in code and playing Doom in the dark
And thinking "Damn, damn, damn..."
I had a dream that I weighed 300 pounds
And though I was very heavy
I floated until I could not see the ground
I floated 'til I couldn't see the ground
Somebody help me, I could not see the ground
Somebody help me, couldn't see the ground
Somebody help me...
As the fluorescent lights stretched infinitely off into the Afterlife
Burning themselves into my retinas
I awoke from an overdose of 300 pills and 7 energy drinks
I struggled to find meaning for my life
Bruised, beaten and broken
I kept trying to pick up the pieces
Only for them to fall apart again
Puzzled, confused and afraid
"Somebody help me..." I cried into cinderblock walls, "I can't even help myself..."
Desperate to get back behind a keyboard and mouse
Knee deep in code and playing Doom in the dark...